Matchups and Mixups
by Muffytaj
Summary: GaiSnape, NejiTrelawney, HagridKyubbi and many more insane pairings within. There is method to my madness, if you would but look for it. A Naruto x Harry Potter crossover.
1. Gai And Snape

**Unstoppable meets Unbreakable**

"DYNAMIC ENTRY!" Gai shouted as he flew into the room, completely destroying the door in the process. "Good afternoon everyone!" He struck a pose, thrusting out a thumb as his teeth sparkled. "Please, continue with what you were doing! Don't let me disturb you! Education is important!"

The class stared at him, mouths open.

"What," Snape said in tones that would have frozen lava, "are you doing in my classroom?"

"Ah Severus! I have come to see you!" Gai clapped Snape manlily on the back, almost flooring him. "You see, I have given some thought to our conversation yesterday." Snape cringed.

"That wasn't a conversation." He said with dignity. "That was a monologue on your part."

"Ah, your cold attitude is so hip and modern!" Gai lamented. "You remind me so much of my arch rival, Kakashi. But I do not hold it against you!" He boomed. "I know that you have been hurt deeply by a scorned love, and if you have no precious person to protect, then that can have a horrible effect."

"Snape was in _love_?" One of the students whispered.

"Ten points from Hufflepuff for your cheek, Simmons!" Snape snapped. "And furthermore, I have no idea what this lunatic is raving on about. Sir, I must ask that you leave my classroom at once." He glared at Gai, hoping he would get the hint.

A forlorn hope at the best of times. An impossible one at present, because Gai was on a Mission. A mission of love.

"I have come to help you love again, Severus!" He declared. The Ravenclaws and Hufflepuffs, so studiously bent over their cauldrons, stifled giggles.

"To love your students!"

The giggling was replaced with the dead silence of sheer horror.

"Yes, the bitterness in your heart would soon overflow with the passions of youth if you would only learn to love your students! To laugh when they laugh, to cry when they cry, and to help them improve and live on in your teachings!" A few tears trickled down Gai's cheeks as he was moved by his own speech. One or two of the students started to get a little misty as well. Say what you want about the actual content of his speech, Gai would have made on of the world's best motivational speakers.

"I have no need for passion." Snape sneered. "Especially not with my students. You will find that the parents tend to frown upon such things."

"Come everyone!" Gai glistened in the sunlight that was somehow in the dungeon classroom, "Come and embrace your teacher! Let the passionate love of youth heal his broken heart!" And with a cry he flung himself at Snape.

Needless to say, it didn't work. But, as Gai enthused whilst healing at the infirmary, there was always next time.


	2. Neji and Trelawney

**The Future of Fate**

"Humanity," Neji said, with barely a slur in his voice, "is weak."

"Yes, yes!" Trelawney agreed enthusiastically, tipping more sherry into her glass. "They refuse to accept the future! They call us frauds, and make fun of our eyes!"

"They do?" Neji said, blinking. "That's right!" He decided, "They do! Because we can't see the eighth bird, they treat us as if we were useless."

"But Neji, my dear boy, we _can_ see the eighth bird." Trelawney said. "It's just that, because of the prejudice of the lesser people, we have to hide it, sometimes even from ourselves."

"Fate is set. As you begin, so do you end." Neji said miserably.

"What I have seen will always come to pass. It cannot be changed." Trelawney commiserated.

"It is a sad fate we carry. But inescapable."

"We must band together, our like, and support each other, without clouding our inner eyes." Trelawney flung an arm around Neji, getting it tangled in his hair. "I see great things in our future together." She told him happily.

"So do I. It must be fate."


	3. Hagrid And Kyuubi

**A Matter of Perspective**

"Look at 'im!" Hagrid cooed, "Isn't 'e just the most adorable thing you've ever seen?" He reached out a hand to pat the object of his affection.

Kyuubi attempted to tear his arm off.

"Awww, look, 'e's trying to give me a kiss!" Hagrid beamed, grabbing onto Kyuubi's insubstantial ears and tugging at them. "Who's a pretty boy then? You are! Yes you are!"

Naruto was lying prone on the ground, the Kyuubi still attached to his stomach by its tails.

"Who would 'ave thought that lad would 'ave such a pet?" Hagrid asked the quivering ball of fur previously known as Fang. "Although I don't know why gettin' a little tap in the stomach would make it come out. Still, no accountin' for tastes, I suppose. It was very naughty of 'im to try and sneak up on me though, that I must say."

Fang, being the saner of the two, huddle closer into his corner. Kyuubi, surprised and rather annoyed that the big hairy human was ignoring all attempts on his life (and thus was likely not a human, but some higher demon in human disguise), turned towards the more amusing Fang.

"_As soon as I am freed of this seal, I will rip your flesh from your bones._" It told Fang.

"See, 'e wants to play with you!" Hagrid's face almost split in two from his smile. "Come on Fang, come over 'ere and let him give you a sniff."

"_Yes mortal, come closer. Your demon master will not be able to protect you for long._"

Fang just howled.


	4. Wormtail and Kabuto

**A Servant's Love**

"I just, I just sometimes wish he would take the time to thank me." Wormtail admitted with a small sob. Kabuto nodded – well did he know the pain of spending weeks taking care of all the tiny details, only to have his lord and master claim all the credit for the flawless evil plan.

Orochimaru and Voldemort were a few rooms down, shouting at their snakes to stop flirting with each other. Their henchmen had been given the evening off, and were spending it out on the patio.

"I mean, it's not easy taking care of such high maintenance people." Kabuto said. "I would gladly sacrifice my life for Orochimaru-sama, but when that damned Hokage cursed his arms, I had to help him shower, and use the bathroom for ages. I saw things I really did not want to see." He added.

"You think that's bad?" Wormtail snorted. "I had to take care of the Dark Lord whilst he was in baby form, and I had to burp him. And He-Who-Must-Not-Named kept throwing up on my favourite shirts! Eventually I gave up wearing shirts altogether, he just kept soiling them."

"And did you get a word of thanks for all your hard work once he regained his form?" Kabuto asked bitterly.

"No, he made me cut my own hand off and give him my wand." Wormtail was in tears at the point. "But he gave me a silver hand in return. That shows he cares, doesn't it? I mean, it's much better than my old one, even if it does stick to my face in the cold."

"Hah, I wish Orochimaru-sama would give _me_ a silver hand." Kabuto scowled. "He's always doing experiments on me, and cutting important bits of me off, 'just to see what happens'." Wormtail looked at him, shocked. "Oh, I get better," Kabuto re-assured him, "but it's still really painful."

"I love the Dark Lord, really I do," Wormtail said with all the fanatic loyalism an evil overlord could want, "but sometimes, just sometimes, I want to feel a little human, appreciated. Sometimes, well, sometimes I like to feel worshipped too." He said.

"I know _exactly_ how you feel." Kabuto said, and poured them both some wine. "And I think I have the perfect solution."

The next morning neither of them could meet the other's eyes, and hurried off to their respective Lords, to assure them that they still loved them with all their hearts.

Needless to say, neither of the evil masters paid much attention to them. And everything was back as it should be.


	5. Jiraya and Lockhart

**A Total Write-Off**

The bookstore was packed to the brim, the mass of bodies heaving to an ancient rhythm.

"Hey, I picked this up first!"

"You wish bitch, I clearly touched the cover first. Your fat hand just about squashed mine!"

"Well if you two are only going to fight over it, I'll take it."

"DIE!"

Never had the little store known such patronage! For not one, but _two_ famous authors had chosen to do their signings there. A scheduling error meant that not only was it the same day, but even at the exact same time!

And what occurred that day went down in author history.

"Come now ladies," Lockhart gave his five-times-winner-of-witches'-weekly smile. "there's no need to shove, there are plenty of books for everyone."

"Come on men, hurry it up here, hurry it up, I know you all want to get out of here as soon as possible!" Jiraya boomed in his ninja-training voice. "Those who can't get to the font don't deserve the books!"

"Ah yes, this book will help you clear out those pesky –"

"- threesomes in the springs! Three hot, young and nubile teenagers explore their sexuality in the steamy water, drawn from -"

"- real life experience. All of my books are taken from my own life. That's how you know it works." Lockhart's smile could have lit corridors, but there was a distinctly unpleasant edge to it.

"Hey." Jiraya was suddenly standing on Lockhart's signing table, his face far too close to Lockhart's for comfort. "Small time weakling. You're scaring all my readers off with your fanatical women."

"And you," Lockhart said, trying to sneer through his camera-ready smile, "are driving away my female readers with your horny men interested only in badly-written smut."

"My books are not badly written!"

"And I am not a small time author."

"I guess there's only one thing for it then," Jiraya narrowed his eyes, the strength that made him one of the three legendary Sanin at his beck and call.

"I suppose you're right." Lockhart replied, the power that had stolen hundreds of memories coursing through his fingers.

"1000 word original story in five minutes?" Jiraya raised an eyebrow.

"Make it three."

"Fine. You ready?" Jiraya growled, his paintbrush in his hand, paper at the ready.

"Whenever you are." Lockhart's grip on his quill and parchment tightened. "May the best author win."

"I plan to."

"Three…two…one…write off!"


	6. Kiba and Sirius

**Birds of a Feather**

"Ah, sorry man, I don't know what's gotten into him – _down_ Akamaru!" Kiba dragged his full-sized dog off the elder man, grinning sheepishly. "I, um, think he likes you?"

"I'm used to it." Sirius said, sighing. "I have a bit of a… canine streak to me." He explained.

Kiba listened to Akamaru's muttered growls, then sniffed the air. "No offence, but you smell like a dog." At Sirius's look, he hurriedly continued "Don't worry, I do too! I can even transform into a half-dog, sometimes."

"You're an animagus?" Sirius looked at the young boy in surprise.

"Nope, a shinobi. What's an ani-animaggie?"

"Animagus. It means that you can transform into an animal." Sirius looked at Kiba with new interest. "But I thought I was the only dog one around."

"You can turn into a dog too?" Akamaru eyes Sirius's leg with longing. "A very large, handsome dog who is probably hung like – Akamaru, shut up!" Kiba flushed bright pink, which clashed horribly with his tattoos.

"Yeah," Sirius kept Akamaru at bay with his foot. "but it means you get stuff like this happening all the time. The combination of human and dog seems to send most mutts absolutely nuts. And… well… there have been one or two incidents where the dog brain…"

"Did one or two things that resulted in puppies?" Kiba finished his sentence with a grimace. "Trust me, it's happened. Well, with me I just jumped my team-mate, but part of me wishes I'd gone after my sister's dog instead. At least the next day would have been easier."

"Do you get the doggy-hangover as well?" Sirius asked, as they walked further into the forest.

"Where I still think like a dog for hours afterwards? Hell yeah." Kiba sighed, kicking at a rock. "Shino, he's my other team-mate and keeps trying to act like the leader, says it's just me returning to my true form. Like he's one to talk, the bug boy."

"But we have the best survival skills." Sirius reminded Kiba. "Dogs can go where almost no other animal can. That's what's kept me alive these past few years." Pack instinct was already well on the way to making these two best friends.

"Yeah," Kiba grinned, "screw a few side effects, dogs are still the best." He patted Akamaru.

Sirius smiled, and was about the say something when his foot caught on a stick, kicking it down the path. For one moment Kiba, Akamaru and Sirius froze in place. Then…

"MINE!"


	7. Lee and Neville

**Echoes of Self**

If there was one thing that Lee wanted in life it was a chance to be like Gai-sensei. Not just in his brilliant taijutsu, nor his trail-blazing fashion style (he already tried to emulate those skills as much as possible) but a chance to find someone at their lowest point, and show them the beauty of a life fully lived. It wasn't even a consciously realised desire – if he had been asked about it he would have denied such thoughts – but it was there, nevertheless, brewing.

Which was why he did what he did.

"Come now Neville-san, you've only made two laps around the castle! Just 98 more and Ginny-san will surely love you!"

Neville collapsed after the tenth lap.

Lee chewed at his bottom lip, worried. He had met Neville yesterday, and had immediately seen his younger self in the polite, bumbling boy. He had seen the way the other kids had sneered at him, and the way Neville accepted this as if it were his due. But he also saw the fire running underneath that: the desire to prove himself, and to be equal to his peers.

"What you need," he said eventually, helping Neville to his feet, "is a rival." After a moment's though he added: "And some new clothes. Your dress is too impractical for you to be training in. I have a spare outfit of mine that you can borrow. Do not worry Neville-san, soon you will bloom in all your glory!"

Which is how Neville came to be standing outside the Grand Hall; his hair newly cut, and his assets clearly displayed in a clingy jumpsuit.

"Be firm, Neville-san!" Lee prompted, "Challenge him to a battle of luck! And if you fail, promise that you'll do 200 push-ups!" Lee didn't want to overwork Neville and cause him to strain his body. Just then, Draco Malfoy walked up towards the Great Hall doorway with his two goons in tow.

"M-Malfoy." Neville declared as bravely as he could, "You are my r-rival! I…" he looked despairingly at Lee, who made encouraging motions. "I challenge you!" Truth be told, Neville wasn't sure of whom he was more afraid of: Draco, or Lee. He didn't want to be here. He didn't want to be doing this. But Lee had been so enthusiastic, and so determined. He had said that this would make Neville stronger, and that this would make people respect him. He had talked at length about lotuses and blooming, and about the overwhelming power of youth to conquer all trials. He had mentioned some guy sensei who was apparently the best of the best, and who Neville would have to meet one day.

But most importantly, Lee had said that he was Neville's friend.

And so Neville stood just outside the Great Hall facing the boy who scared him almost as much as Snape, garbed in a ridiculous outfit, and challenged him to a game of scissor-paper-rock.

What happens next is immaterial. For just then Neville had taken the first step towards coming to his own, and had just experienced the first taste of manhood. And from there, he could only grow.

(Which is a polite way of saying he got his arse kicked to next Tuesday, but still didn't give up, and never will.)


End file.
